Jan. 01, 2006 Copyright Las Vegas Review-Journal

VIN SUPRYNOWICZ: I'm stickin' with the union

Let's start a union.

Oh, I have my differences with modern organized labor. They've long since abandoned George Meany's sensible advice to remain nonpartisan, instead aligning themselves with the freakiest, most far-left "progressive" social agenda, whether or not it benefits or is even supported by most of their members.

Modern organized labor (see "schoolteachers") actually opposes the righteous desire of good workers to be rewarded for their superior work, instead insisting on a "one-size-fits-all" wage formula that damages overall productivity by forcing the hardest and most creative and effective workers (hereinafter referred to as "suckers") to carry the load for slackers who get paid the same, anyway.

Worst of all is the current trend to concentrate on unionizing government workers.

In a competitive free market, union demands are naturally curbed by the threat of corporate bankruptcy. But government faces no such risk, having no natural predator.

If the police union sets its price too high, am I free to inform the local cops that I no longer need their services; that instead of paying taxes to support them I'm going to buy my police protection from a competing force which I believe will better serve my needs for less? Of course not.

Despite all this, though, the underlying premise of unionization still makes sense -- and is still guaranteed under the right to free association. A group, working together, can get a better deal for everyone, than if each individual is stuck negotiating for himself.

That said, I hereby invite organized labor to undertake an enterprise far more useful than any they've been up to lately: launch the International Brotherhood of Drug War Victims.

What's the sales pitch for joining and -- in the case of those who can afford it -- paying sizable dues into our new war chest?

Simple: Our freedom-hating, pain-loving War on Drugs depends on the tactic of "overcharging," and then offering attractive deals -- reduced charges, easier sentences -- in exchange for guilty pleas. Fewer than 5 percent of all drug cases ever go to trial.

Again, the drug war depends on this -- if every drug arrest led to a trial, the courts would be so swamped that some defendants couldn't be scheduled for trial dates for many years into the future. Their attorneys could then win complete dismissal of all charges based on the violation of the constitutional right to a speedy trial.

So all members of our new union need to do is this: Agree to demand a jury trial. No plea bargains -- no guilty pleas, ever. Otherwise, please don't join.

Today, no individual defense attorney can in good conscience advise any individual defendant not to take the deal. But all the drug war defendants have to do is sign up and agree that -- once an arbitrary number of drug defendants estimated to be 25 percent of all those currently charged have signed on -- a "D-Day" will be announced, and all brother members will immediately demand jury trials. Furthermore, they will advise their attorneys not to stipulate or agree to any delay in a trial date, even if the prosecutor choked to death on a chicken bone last night.

Union brothers will instruct their counsel to file for dismissal based on denial of a speedy trial on the 181st day, and keep filing, and publicize these filings with dramatic courthouse-step press conferences. Invite Amnesty International and the International Red Cross to participate. Mention what percentage of these defendants, being held without trial, are black or Hispanic. Mention it constantly.

What will the Fearless Drug Warriors do? Even with only 25 percent of drug defendants joining up and participating, trials that can now be started within a year will have to be scheduled at least three years into the future. The Drug Warriors will have no choice but to prosecute their "worst" cases first, turning at least two thirds of all drug defendants loose.

And once additional drug war defendants see this starting to happen, and proceed to sign up and demand their jury trials, those scheduled trials will start to stretch four, five, six years into the future. The freedom-hating thugs will be swamped!

Furthermore, our counsel will move to eliminate voir dire in all drug cases -- we want juries randomly selected, including potheads in tie-dye and former drug war victims who have already "paid their debt to society" -- random juries informed they have a right to judge the law as well as the facts of the case, just as the founders intended and specifically said.

Of course, the tyrant's hand-picked and desperate black-robed monkeys will angrily deny all such motions.

Which is where those sizeable union dues come into play. The families of these first victims of the predictable wave of "payback" prosecutions will be handsomely compensated out of the union "strike fund" for any hardships encountered while their loved ones are in jail ... though I doubt the extra-long sentences with which they're threatened will hold up for long.

Why? Because those sentences -- and the likely contempt citations issued against any defense attorney discovered to be working with our new IBDWV -- will constitute illegal retaliation for union organizing under the National Labor Relations Act!

Any judge trying to play "hardball" with our members or their counsel can be turned in to the NLRB, and such sentences appealed as "cruel and unusual" based on their own long habit of knocking down charges in exchange for plea bargains.

What do you say, guys? Just send this abstainer your Honorary Membership Card Number One.

Cause I'm ... stickin' with the union.

Vin Suprynowicz is the Review-Journal's assistant editorial page editor.